The Truth
by hazza wiz
Summary: this is capter 23 from new moon in edwards POV read and give me feedbac please x x


The Truth Edward's POV!

Disclaimer - this is all Stephanie Meyer none is me really.

I can't believe this is happening all those days and nights when I thought I'd never be able to sit here watching her sleep. Charlie hates me for what I did and I actually am disregarding his wishes but I had to. She's has probably moved on and doesn't love me anymore and if that is the case she has nothing to worry about. I will stay away; I will do whatever she wants.

Bella started stirring and waking up from her sleep. I couldn't believe how much I loved her. I moved here hair from her forehead so it wouldn't hide here beautiful face. She squeezed her eyes shut which confused me but Bella never did what I expected, but that only makes me love her more. She's not like any human I've met before.

Then she looked at me those big beautiful brown eyes met mine and I was whole my heart had returned.

She gasped "Oh!" and put her fists over her eyes. This worried me; I'd probably scared the living daylights out of her. This isn't normal for her anymore, me watching her sleep.  
"Did I frighten you?" I asked anxiously. She had a confused expression on her face but happy as well I couldn't work out her emotions right now.

She started blinking as if she was trying to work out if I was real. 'Oh what I would do to hear her thoughts now' I thought.

"Oh, crap" she croaked her voice thick from her lengthy sleep.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I asked really worried now. She frowned at me, which made me so anxious 'What's going through your head Bella?' I thought.

"I'm dead, right?" she moaned "I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."  
"You are awake, Bella."

She shook her head "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renée and Jake…"

She thought she was dead, she thought she was in hell. Well I guess I deserve that.  
I said with a sad smile "I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare. But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

"Obviously not. If I was in hell you wouldn't be with me."

I sighed she was still so stubborn and thought of me too highly but all these things are not adding up I must have something wrong, but what? What was going on in Bella's head?

She looked out the window then her eyes found mine. Then as some thought process was going through her head her lovely blush was coming over her perfect cheekbones. This was another of the many features that I loved about Bella, I loved her blush.

"Did that really happen, then?" the confusion rolling over her face.

It was hard to put smile on my face 'Why do I always put my Bella in danger' but she needed my support so I tried my hardest but it wasn't perfect.

I said, "That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then yes."  
"How strange." She mused "I've never been further east than Albuquerque?"

I rolled my eyes; she really wasn't making any sense "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

I'm not tired anymore." she replied "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"  
I glanced at the clock and answered "It's just after one in the morning. So about fourteen hours."

While I was answering her she was stretching which made sense. She must be so stiff.  
"Charlie?" she asked

I frowned as it brought back my earlier thoughts "Sleeping." I said, "You should probably know that I'm breaking all the rules right now. Well not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came through the window… but, still, the intent was clear."

"Charlie banned you from the house" she said as I watched her face change from disbelief into fury.

This made me sad I couldn't make her choose between her father and me. "Did you expect anything else?"

But she was mad; her teenage instincts were taking over and probably making her think about the ways she 'needs' to rebel.

But then her expression changed as something else came through her mind and she asked, "What's the story?"

"What do you mean?" I asked

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my story for disappearing for … how long was I gone anyway?"

"Just three days" I smiled easier this time "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

"Fabulous." She groaned that obviously wasn't the answer that she was hoping for.

Trying to comfort her I said "Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." She smiled fully for the first time in what felt like ages. That obviously did help because she looked happy, just as I was that we were here together forever.

"So" she began "What have you been up to, until three days ago?"

This question was hard for me, because I didn't want her to be disappointed in me. I didn't want her to think I couldn't protect her. This wasn't a question I wanted to answer fully so I just said "Nothing terribly exciting."

This obviously wasn't the answer she was looking for as she made a face and mumbled "Of course not."

So I asked, "What are you making that face for?"

"Well…" she began "If you were after all a dream that's exactly the answer you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed I thought we'd established I wasn't in her nightmare I was here and here to stay, if she wants me of course. So I said, "If I tell you will you believe you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" she repeated scornfully. I waited for her to finish. She understood that I wasn't going to speak so she said "Maybe, if you tell me."

So I needed to tell her I needed to confess everything and hope she still wants me. I need to tell her how much of a failure I and yet again it is my fault she was in danger. I really didn't understand how she could love me after this. So I decided to start carefully and said "I was… Hunting."

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake." She criticised.  
I hesitated, I was going to have to go deeper to convince her so I said "I wasn't hunting for food … I was actually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it."  
This intrigued her so she asked, "What were you tracking?"

I knew this question was coming but still didn't mean I liked it or wanted to answer it. Maybe I could avoid answering it. I said "Nothing of consequence."

"I don't understand."

I hesitated. This was it if I don't tell her she would know I'm hiding something she will either push until I tell her or she will hate me for not trusting her. But then if I tell her she will know how I failed her and probably leave me anyway. But I would tell her the truth I will tell her and then beg, all night if I have to, to ask for her forgiveness.

"I __" I took a deep breath; this was going to be hard. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realise the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria" my lips curled at the much thought. She was a dead woman walking "would come back. I'll admit. When I saw that one time, I as paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I didn't see that she even had such a tie to him. I think I realise why now – she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her – that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw herself – when I realised that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing except for Victoria herself" – I shuddered at the very thought. "Please know I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for __"

"Stop," she interrupted. Then she was thinking, probably the best way to let me down or to tell me it would take more than that to keep her. Well I would do whatever it takes, go to the end of the world and back if I have to. There is nothing I can do though to make it up to her.

She took a deep breath and composed her face and started

"Edward, this has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this … this guilt … rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault; it's just part of how life is here for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realise it's not your job to take the blame. You can't go running off to Italy because you feel bad you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, it would be my choice and not your fault. I know it is you're … your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible think of Esme and Carlisle and ___"

She took a deep breath to calm herself. I couldn't believe she said that. How could she think I went to Italy only because of guilt, not that I'm know feeling guilty but she must know how much I love her and care for her I told her a million and one times. How could she forget everything?

"Isabella Marie Swan," I started "Do you believe I went to the Volturi because I felt guilty?" I could see the confusion and disbelief in her face "Didn't you?" she asked "Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." I said disbelief also rolling all over my face too.

"Then … what are you saying? I don't understand."

"Bella, I went to the Volturi" I started putting as much love for her in to every word so she would understand "Because I thought you were dead. Even if I had no hand in your death" thinking about Bella dead made me shudder "even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than taking it second-hand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

"The odds…" I continued, thinking about Romeo and Juliet. The odds were against them too. Maybe I was always too harsh in judging them now that I understood how they felt. It was the same with Bella and me. "The odds were always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticise Romeo again." I mused; it all seemed to make sense now.

Bella broke through my musing by saying "But I still don't understand, that's my whole point. So what?"

Did she just say that? Did she say 'so what' to me? "Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?"

Now I was confused I made it clear, hadn't I? How could she still think she meant nothing to me, she was my everything. How could she think like this? "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me."

I reached out and touched her lower lip and said "Bella, you seem to be under some misapprehension." I closed my eyes and shook my head I will now have to be direct to get her to understand. Obviously she still believes the lies I told her in the forest. Now I understand "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am … confused." She said

"I am a good liar, Bella, I have to be." But this sentence made her freeze she thinks I'm lying now. I shook her shoulder to keep her listening. This bit was important. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still for you to believe me so quickly." I winced as I remembered the incident "That was … excruciating."

She was still frozen, she had to believe me now, she just had to. "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye – you weren't going to let go, I could see that. I didn't want to do it – it felt like it would kill me to do it – but I knew if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you much longer to get on with your life. I hoped, if you thought I had moved on, you would too."  
"A clean break." She whispered.

Finally she was catching on. "Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would have been next to impossible – that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I am so sorry – sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry. But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept – as if there were any way the I could exist without needing you!"

She was still frozen still. I was starting to get a little worried. I shook her again a little harder than last time but still very careful with her. "Bella," I sighed "Really what are you thinking!"

Then she started crying. I didn't understand what did I say to upset her. Did I hurt her when I shook her or was it something I said to upset her?

"I knew it" she sobbed "I knew I was dreaming."  
I laughed. Not this again. "You're impossible, how can I put this so you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you it was the blackest form of blasphemy."

She shook her head but the tears were still flowing. I couldn't believe still she didn't believe me. "You don't believe me, do you? How can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for me to love me. I knew that." She said her voice breaking twice  
How can I make her see? How can I prove to her she's awake and I love her? Then it came to me, the time when I felt her love the most.

"I'll prove you're awake," I promised, if it was the last thing I did in this world.  
I put my hands on her perfect face ignoring when she struggled against my grasp. Then she whispered "Please don't," I stopped, she had moved on she didn't love me she had found someone else she had finally got over me. She only came to Italy because she felt guilty.

"Why not?" I asked just in case I was wrong.  
"When I wake up" I opened my mouth to argue but she was faster "Okay forget that – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."  
I pulled back to have a better look at her face and said "Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so … hesitant, so careful, yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant you to? That would be … quite fair. I wouldn't contest your decision. So don't try and spare my feelings, please – just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done. Can you?"

"What kind of idiotic question is that?"  
"Just answer it. Please."

She stared at me darkly for one minute and a half until she answered "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"That's all I needed to hear." Then my lips were on hers. All my love and all those lost months without her went in to the kiss. This kiss was the most passionate we had shared, it was not careful, it was not flimsy of half-hearted. All I could think about was making the most of this moment. All I could feel was her hand moving all over my face and into my hair pulling herself closer. My hands moved over her face too memorising every inch of her face and when my lips were free for a millisecond I moaned "Oh, Bella." My lips immediately went back and claimed hers and the kiss carried on at with the same, new intensity.

Before my control started slipping I stopped the kiss but kept the closeness and lay my head on her chest to hear my favourite sound of all time, her heart. I listened as it slowed to a more normal speed.

I added, "By the way, I'm not leaving you." She stayed silent as if she was still worried and sceptical lifted my face to see her eyes, to see if they were worried or cautious.  
I supposed she needed a serious explanation so I said, "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you – keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed leaving you was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could never have made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay – thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," Bella whispered.

I couldn't believe it, how can she not believe me still after seeing me explain and after the kiss haw can she still doubt me and my love. Me leaving must have hurt her a lot more than I could imagine. This made me angry. How could I do this to Bella? "You think I'm lying now?"

She shook her head "No – not lying. You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or the next month when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched. That was a painful memory. It was harder to watch my own brother try and attack Bella. It was also hard for me not to be able to be there for her. That wouldn't happen again. I wouldn't leave here again in her time of need.

She continued "It isn't as if you hadn't thought your first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."

"I'm not as strong as you as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me: I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time – and not much of it - until I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that?"

"Be serious, please." Bella grimaced. She still didn't believe me. "Oh I am," I insisted try to get this through to her. "Will you please try and hear what I am telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I studied her to make sure she was listening and paying attention then I started, "Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark but there were stars, points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was a brilliancy, a beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

She had a strange expression on her face that I couldn't quite work out. She mumbled, "Your eyes will adjust."

"That's the problem, they can't." I replied softly. "What about the distractions." This made me laugh as if anything could distract me from what I felt when I was away from her. That was laughable to me. "That was all part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the ... the _agony_. My heart hasn't beat for almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone - like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything inside me here with you."

"That's funny," she muttered. That was defiantly not the response I was expecting. My face showed my confusion while I asked "Funny?" She answered "I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing too. I haven't been able to breathe in so long" she took a long breathe feeling the air go in to her lungs. "And my heart, that was defiantly missing."

I lay on her chest once again listening to the thrum of her heart. I closed my eyes to take it in more. I really had missed her beating heart. I felt her face rest against my hair and heard her deep breathes in and out as if to smell it.

Then after a few minutes Bella said curiously, "Tracking wasn't a distraction then? I answered with a sigh "No. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with... Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then followed a false lead to Brazil – and she really came here." I groaned I would never forgive myself for hat mishap because of that I could have lost her. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, my worst fears __"

"You were hunting_ Victoria_?"She shrieked her voice doing to octaves higher than normal. Charlie's snores stuttered but he went back dreaming of catching a prize winning fish. I didn't understand the shock my statement made.

"Not well, but I'll do better next time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer." She still looked horrified, she stuttered "That is... out of the question."

I didn't understand her horror. Was it because I'd already failed her? Did she not trust me to protect her? Or was it something else?

I told her "It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide but not now, not after..." she interrupted me by saying "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave again. That isn't exactly compatible with an extended hunting expedition, is it?

I frowned; she was still worried about me leaving. But thinking of Victoria alive made a snarl rise up out of my chest.

"I will keep my promise Bella, but Vitoria is going to die, soon." Bella continued still sounding worried "Maybe she's not coming back. Jakes pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger things than Victoria."

I nodded as I agreed with her "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

"I wasn't talking about _Jacob_. My problems are a lot worse than a bunch of adolescent werewolves." I wanted to say that there a bigger problem than she realises but I left it for another time and decided on saying "really, so what would be your greatest problem. What would make Victoria returning for you seem like an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she hedged, obviously trying to avoid the greatest problem. I said suspiciously "All right,"

She paused as if she was trying to find the right words. Then she said "There are others coming to look for me."

This surprised me but didn't worry me as I already had a plan. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?" she saw I wasn't worried and stated "You don't seem upset about it,"

"well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something different to them as it does for you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."

I saw the horror wash all over her face and I knew what I had said to bring it there. I was going to let her grow. I wouldn't change her. She would age. But then tears appeared and that had me worried I tried to appease he by saying "You don't have to be afraid, I won't let them hurt you."

She said "While you're here." I understood she thought my earlier statement had meant I was leaving her until she was thirty. This had to be put straight. I took her face in my hands and looked deep in to her eyes and said "I will never leave you again."

She whispered back "But you said thirty," As tears still leaked over on to her face "What? You're going to stay, but let me get old anyway? Right."

I softened my eyes but said still determinedly "That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice do I have? I cannot live without you but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really..." then she faltered as if the question was too hard to say using the words she was thinking. I waited patiently for my question for a little bit, but then the suspense got too much so I said "Yes?" prompting my question.

She asked "But what about when I get so old people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother" she looked revolted but the very thought.

I brushed away her tears and smiled and said "That doesn't mean anything to me, you will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course ..." I hesitated and flinched. This idea was painful for me "If you outgrew _me_ – if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me." That much as true if she didn't want me I would not cause her pain no matter how much pain it caused me to leave I would do it.

"You do realise I'll die eventually, right?" she demanded, obviously not pleased at this part.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can."

"That is seriously... sick." She replied not that it made any difference.

"Bella, it's the only way left---" I said but before I could finish she interrupted me saying

"let's just go back a minute," she started her eyes flashing because of how angry she was, she was nearly shaking with anger. "You do remember the Voltori, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm _thirty_" it was clear she didn't like the fact of becoming thirty "Do you really think they will forget?"

"No" I answered "They won't forget, but ..."

"But?"

I smiled because I was completely sure I could hide her she would never have to see those horrible red eyes of the Voltori. This made me very happy.

"I have a few plans."

" And these plans , these plans all centre around me staying _human_."

"Naturally." How could she think any different?

She took a deep breath, I forgot how wonderful all the things she did made me happy they made me. Then she pushed me away and she sat up. This small action sent doubt all through my mind. Does she want me to leave because I won't change her? I voiced this question without the why bit.

"Do you want me to leave?" this mad me sad to have to voice my doubt."

"No, I'm leaving"

I watched her very suspiciously as she fumbled around her room. The suspense was killing me so I had to ask "May I ask where you are going?"

"I'm going to your house." She said still looking in the darkroom for her shoes. I could see her shoes very clearly as the dark isn't dark to me. I got her shoes and handed them to her saying

"Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie" I said

She sighed thoughtfully "I know. But honestly I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How more trouble can I get in?"

I smiled "None. He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here," I suggested not really thinking she'll go for it.

"No dice. But go ahead and make yourself at home," she teased and smiled. She headed for the door, but I was there before her blocking her way. She frowned and turned around looking at the window. She will really hurt if I try and stop her so I have to take her.

"Okay, I'll give you a ride."

She shrugged "Either way. But you should probably be there, too."

"And why is that?" I asked

"Because you're extremely opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views.,"

"Views on which subject?"

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the centre of the universe, you know. If you are going to bring the Voltori down on us over somthing as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

I emphasised each word "A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."


End file.
